DISQUS

I Am God Almighty · 4 months ago

This is nothing more than mere dust particles constellatting* in the breeze on a shaft of light that resembles the folds in my lovely Almighty Robe. But during Jobs sojourn, while he was having a delirium hallucination induced by a peyote enema mixed with an overly generous double helping of China White, I made my presence known to him and together we collaborated on an idea so awesome, it made Satan and Gabriel weep hot torrents of teary precipitation, filled with rage, jealousy and love. I am the Chief Software Architect and Sole Coding Engineer on this project, Jobs is the conduit - the iFather will be the mother of all electronic appliances, all will be helpless to resist. Who needs Armaggedon? This is your Revelation, people! Apocalypse, Done! Over'n'out!

fakephilschiller · 4 months ago

I'm still friggin shaking. FS forgot to mention that I shat myself when he told me price. At first I thought it'd be a hard sell at 899 for what is basically Chumby-lite, but then I remembered how fuckin gullible you iSheep are, so here are a few slogans:

iTablet: so horny it will make you pregnant.
iTablet: smarter than you.
iTablet: you know you're going to buy it, so just buy it already.

Might need a bit more work.

fakephilschiller · 4 months ago

iTablet: and you thought the Macbook Air was stupid.

You guys will buy anything. I'm typing this on an iT, and it's taken me 15 minutes to type this post using a mixture of glyphs, pictograms, hand gestures and voice commands.

fakephilschiller · 4 months ago

iTablet: and you thought the Macbook Air was stupid.

You guys will buy anything. I'm typing this on an iT, and it's taken me 15 minutes to type this post using a mixture of glyphs, pictograms, hand gestures and voice commands.

faketimcook · 4 months ago

You think YOU'RE having a problem? I've resorted to an HP laptop with...Vista. Tough times, my friend.

fakephilschiller · 4 months ago

Tell me about it. At least Microshaft have the balls to claim Windoze 7 is new (total bullshit though it may be). I'VE got to sell Snow Leopard (Ass Leopard) as EXACTLY the same product. Except it's more stable. WHAT?? Didn't we just spend years telling everyone how frickin stable Leopard was?

Jesus titty-fucking Christ. Would have been a good year for a sabbatical (or as we call it in Marketing, a 'liver').

Fake Dave Bowman · 4 months ago

My God. It's full of stars.

I Am God Almighty · 4 months ago

No, you're full of drugs

Again.

BTW
HAL isn't opening the pod bay doors - and Saint Peter ain't openin' up them Pearly Gates - and we do not have an emergency air lock entrance with explosive bolts up here - burn space monkey!

infomofo · 4 months ago

Welcome back, Fake Steve. This is the first post that I really feel you got your stride back on.

Janus · 4 months ago

Agreed. And what a glorious stride it is.

haonanzhang · 4 months ago

"...so that we can trace who leaked it and then have that person shot."

Don't dirty your hands Electronic Jesus! Let the Foxconn hired goons do it. But be prepared to throw in a MacBook Pro (and the free ipod touch, if he still has his alumni .edu email) for the SigOther. That's the price to pay to run a tight leak free ship.

Seventy_Seven · 4 months ago

Yeah, kind of surprised that you would shoot someone when you can just have them thrown off the roof. Maybe it is too early for that kind of thing?

Name · 4 months ago

You feel like Moses coming down from mount Zion with the tablets, not Jesus.

I Am God Almighty · 4 months ago

I'm God.

Shut up!

Moses, Jesus, Mohamed, Mormon, Scientology - made up stories by humans trying to control you and attribute it to me.

Stop this shit now!

At least the atheists don't bother me, I do find the agnostics somewhat entertaining.

Worship what you want but leave me out of it, OK?

Stupid monkeys!

TheAfterlifeOfGeorgeCarlin · 4 months ago

preach it, invisible man in the sky, preach it, hallelujah!

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

Funniest thing in comments are corrections hahahaha. Man, if you think you need to correct something on this blog, you didn't get it.

Where was Lionel Richie and Tordalv when all of this stuff was happening?

JD · 4 months ago

You're new here, huh?

kenriise · 4 months ago

It's a deliberate error

Cokes · 4 months ago

Correctards are the new Hilltards.

Anonymous · 4 months ago

Or as they say in Jewish, Muhammad(Peace be upon him).

bonzerinc · 4 months ago

Moses got the commandments on Mount Sinai. And Prometheus stole the fire, not Orpheus.

A. Musing · 4 months ago

Wait.
Wasn't it Bill Gates who came down Mount Saint Helens with a Toshiba tablet but halfway down it crashed so bad that it caused a volcanic eruption?

playitcool · 4 months ago

I see you're well versed in the 10 condiments.

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

>>Honestly, Apple faithful, I feel like Jesus coming down from Mount Zion with those stone tablets.

HAHAHAHAHAHA man, you gotta prepare me for statements like this. Fookin' brilliant and funny. Wow. Thank you.

Almost spilled my capuccino over that aluminum thing.

WildWildEast · 4 months ago

Fuckin' funny shit dude.

WildWildEast · 4 months ago

Fucking hilarious stuff man!

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

Did you forget to call Squirrel Boy?

http://www.dailytech.com/Google+Voice+iPhone+Ap...

Just close his account. Why is he still writing apps for the App Store?

tf · 4 months ago

Electronic Jesus - Brilliant new nickname for you.

jeff · 4 months ago

Actually, it's Prometheus who stole the fire from the gods. But whatever you say is the Truth, Electronic Jeusu

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

Yeah, but he got his liver picked on, didn't he? That's why we are going with Orpheus this time - it is LiverSafe.

I know, I know, extra brownie points for Dr. Mephisto for getting this the first time.

richardmnixon · 4 months ago

I dunno. Something tells me Michael Arrington's CrunchPad is going to kick the iTablet's ass. He's going to sell it for $400 and it'll have a user-replaceable battery and run Flash. I predict a major AAPL correction here. Short-sellers, start your engines.

Fanboy of Everything · 4 months ago

Mmmm, I love to carry spare batteries. I adore flash ads. Cheap plastic arouses me. Bring it on!

faddah · 4 months ago

hey dick! whaddaya call michael arrington, jason calcanis, jim louderbeck, steve gilmor, dave w(h)iner, john c. dvorak, robert scoble, henry blodgett, martha mitchell and liddy in a metal container, encased in cement, tied down by massive chains, burried in a hole off jarkarta at the bottom of the indian ocean?

A GOOD START!!

brawr hawr hawr hawr hawr hawr hawr!!! oh man! i love that joke!!!

Si · 4 months ago

Again, what fantastic writing, thanks so much.

And you make a very good point -SJ's life is a walking monomyth...

h.aiku · 4 months ago

coming down Sinai
pinch and squeeze your commandments
the Apple tablet

A. Musing · 4 months ago

this would make a great commercial, run once, during the Superbowl.

Moses climbs to the top, finds an oversized burning 1st gen iPod nano which speaks to him... it's Bono, trying to get him to use a Pre. Moses takes it but his fingers are too big for the keyboard and he can't see the screen 'cause it's too small (left his glasses in his tent). So he taps the forward button and it's Steve, who explains to Moses that he's got something he's really excited about and if Moses will sign an NDA...

Cut to later, Mose's humming a little tune, typing away on the slide out bluetooth keyboard of his evaluation iPad...

Finally - coming down the mountain, Moses looks down and notices his Things todo list type's a little small, so he rotates the device and opens his fingers and the text gets bigger and snaps to the side... Moses looks up and smiles.

matthewhollander · 4 months ago

Ok so as far as I can tell only bit that is fiction here is that the iTablet would cost 899, as if it would cost under a grand!!

Seventy_Seven · 4 months ago

Yeah. Expect Macbook Air prices. Unless it's even cooler than cool.

Apple's step-wise cost structure is brilliant and this will fit right in, somewhere.

HoratioVulgar · 4 months ago

Like, I don't wanna break any fourth walls here, but, really, are there readers of FSJ's Diary that don't realize that Steve's factual malapropisms are part of the gag? They're hilarious, too. But when you post a comment pointing out that, for instance, it's Moses, not Jesus, who came down from Mount Sinai, you're such a LOSER. Wise up. Stay current. Read between the lines. You freakin' eedjits. You don't even deserve Mac products. Go away!

A. Musing · 4 months ago

the only time the wall is broken (for me at least) is when someone points out that someone pointed out that...

The corrections have a natural flow to them. Don't harsh the mood.

Seventy_Seven · 4 months ago

You're kidding right? You didn't realize those are FAKE COMMENTS? I mean COME ON.

One more King... · 4 months ago

Back from the dead with THE killer product. Let's hope Elvis is also making a comeback for the musical finale.

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

I've got a special on underworld roundtrips this month. You can pay me in options.

Rich · 4 months ago

It's...so....beautiful!

*face melts*

David Pogue · 4 months ago

Steve, you know I'll take your cocktail anytime, anywhere.

I'm writing my next little off-off-Broadway piano ditty about the tablet right now, so I can sing it at some dork conference and charge my 10 bills.

Fuck, what rhymes with "tablet?"

richardmnixon · 4 months ago

"Scablet": a picket line crosser under 5'6"

"Hamlet": as in to use BeOS or to not use BeOS

David Pogue · 4 months ago

Milhous, I like the way you think. Don't think I don't already have a number sweeping forth to the tune of Yankee Doodle Dandy.

Everything rhymes with Ho Chi Minh

faddah · 4 months ago

dick, be cautious of pogo. remember how you thought frost might be a bit "light in the loafers" 'cuz of his fancy-pants italian shoes? well pogo loves him some "show tunes." need i say more?

David Pogue · 4 months ago

I do prefer lighter shoes, faddah! One day I may even reach as high as Liza or, *shriek* her mother!

Soooooooooomewheeeeeeere, over Cupertinoooooooo....

faddah · 4 months ago

yer da patti lupone of tech journalism. "don't cry for me, cupertinoooo...."

@Startur · 4 months ago

Amazing writing!! It left me in childlike wonder:)

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

About the roundtrips offered earlier. Look, I let MJ ride for free for a decade or so and then MY boss started asking questions. Who is this guy who never gets off a rollercoaster? Are YOU letting him ride all the time? I don't see any pennies in the tip jar. Is he riding for free? Make him pay or I will knock him off the rollercoaster.

From now on, I am charging money (nominal amount) for the rides because the guy upstairs knows not of earthly delights.

anonontheashram · 4 months ago

Steve,
i hope you are dictating your thoughts non stop to your daughter Lisa for her big posthumous biography on you: "I Caligula" (or will it be) "I Steve; or Why a Father Wouldn't Acknowledge his daughter Until After a Vice Chairman Told him how 'Real Men' Act"
Here's an idea: bring Lisa, Lauren and the kids down to the ashram where we can eat carrots, have fresh yogurt and some lentils and all create and wear simple homespun.
I hope you'll live to see your iTablet, but just in case, we have the wood stored in a secret location on a cement foundation by the Guadalupe Riverup at Forbes mill and we've even got sacred sandalwood on hand to add to your pyre to make sure your head pops.
the Mighty, Capricious and always Myrthful Ganeesh awaits you.
Anon

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

interested in a roller coaster wearing a MJ costume?

adamconus · 4 months ago

Dare we say it?

Dare, dare!

GENIUS!

livefast · 4 months ago

what did orpheus steal?

TheAfterlifeOfGeorgeCarlin · 4 months ago

he ed ill nd he lue ill.

Jon · 4 months ago

Pure genius.

Mephistopheles · 4 months ago

Just a side note.

German has a better word for "perfect plus": plusquamperfekt

No, really, don't mention it.

I Am God Almighty · 4 months ago

And I have better word: elegance.
There is no improvement beyond elegance.
Suck it up, Meph!
And don't forget to clean behind the cistern.

Mrs Jobs · 4 months ago

Finally! I've been waiting years for this. Can't wait to use it to look up your favourite recipes. Love you x

vanni di ponzano · 4 months ago

The iTablet is Perfection Perfected Plus incarnated. A holy Ghost amoung Men and Heros. Peter paul and Mary will sing the Hosannas to the On Highest Great One.

Love Yahweh
namaste

anon-y · 4 months ago

Oh my god. Pure genius. I love you. Don't ever stop.

someguy · 4 months ago

"pieces of guys like that in my stool"

Stealin' from SNL, eh Fake, but I forgives ya. Like that "thing" over at Foxconn -- all in the service of the greater good.

But I'm holding my sides reading this, thinking "I can't go on. I'll go on."

tomaso · 4 months ago

"I can't go on. I'll go on."

Hey, Samguy, we all steal from someone, exe?

someguy · 4 months ago

Yeah, but I steal from Beckett, not Phil Hartman.

Or as I might put it: "We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars."

eddale · 4 months ago

Just Brilliant.

Si · 4 months ago

I managed to zip forward a few months in time and have captured the moment when the Apple Faithful first encountered the iTablet:

http://movieimage2.tripod.com/2001/2001-04.jpg

faddah · 4 months ago

i love how when you go to the AppleInsider article link, on their page, there's prominent flash ad for the palm pre right next to the article. et tu, AppleInsider? et tu??

but yes, has haonanzhang or hatroi hano or wotevah and seventy-seven say, how many more impoverished chinese factory workers will have to go roof diving for this one?

dickiacovello · 4 months ago

Wasn't it Moses that came down from Mt.Zion??

Joseph · 4 months ago

It was Moses, but hereto forth it shall be know that Jesus came down from the mountain, because Steve said so and not even Mr. Norris himself can debate that fact.

jaywontdart · 4 months ago

Please bring back Black Michael Jackson with you from the underworld, I can already hear the ad's, "you're the i-tab-let, Gen-er-ration...." to the tune of Billie Jean

Namaste FSJ, my copy of oPtion$ will be worth more as you post more quality posts!

kingnot08 · 4 months ago

fantastic website you have here!

FakeBono · 4 months ago

Fookin Jaysus .... send one fer muh cousin in Shitterton. Ballmer gifted me a fookin smokin Dell Inpiron with Vistas blue screen of death last year... cant even suuf the net with the crawling IE 7 to plagiarise fookin lyrics fer muh next album. Oh boyo .... why did I join BMGF ?

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Bono · 4 months ago

Fookin' Spamtard, ya are.

HunterSThompson · 4 months ago

Well, maybe so, Jobso. But I am still hunkered down. You see, in Search, Telephony, Gaming, Desktop OS, Retail Stores, etc., etc., Microsoft is planning a counter-attack. These leeching bastards are everywhere, and all under the Orwellian banner of "choice."

On a side note, Schiller isn't weak-at-the-knees because of the tablet, kick-ass as it is. Suffice it to say I've made sure his office is properly stocked with the proper substances needed to Power Through like a champion.

faddah · 4 months ago

"hunkered down,", hunter?? WTF?! you were shot out of a frickin' cannon across the sky on yer ranch!1!!! how can that come even close to being "hunkered down"? sheesh.

HunterSThompson · 4 months ago

Good Lord! I completely forgot about the cannon!

Faddah, in all seriousness there is something about being shot out of a cannon that changes a man. But some things never seem to change, and the need to be hunkered down when the situation calls for it is one of those things. Make no mistake, I am well equipped out here, loaded to the gills with all the necessary supplies.

I Am God Almighty · 4 months ago

Dude, you blasted a hole in your skull the size of a fuckin' softball, then you got burnt up into ashes and was strewn or broadcast as it were by cannon fire across the North American Wilderness - you're not in the same league as The Afterlife of George Carlin, you're obviously a fanboi wanna be under an assumed identity - at least get a semi-credible back story and some believability about your character.

This is why I hate humanity.

faddah · 4 months ago

yeah, dat's right! you tell him about writing under ridiculous assumed identities, Almighty God! you go, God! you go!

A. Musing · 4 months ago

Insulting Fake HST, God and Humanity - don't come commenting to us when you get struck by lightning.

vaporland · 4 months ago

FSJ, you're batting a thousand since you came back from the undead...

Zo · 4 months ago

"We really don't go around comparing me to Jesus. Frankly, it's apples and oranges"

He really do surpasseth himself, this guy Dan.

Joseph · 4 months ago

The moment I touch the iTablet my balls will drop once and for all.

Name · 4 months ago

It's not Jesus, It's Moses

FakeBono · 4 months ago

Fookin Jaysus .... Yer comments .... all yer comments maketh hot lyrics fer muh next fookin album . carry on mates ....lemme have dem.

faddah · 4 months ago

sorry, ya smarmy self-righteous, prick mick — all licesnsed under creative commons — have ya heard of it? can't use any of this content if you intend to make $$$ with it, only for free use. so if you give away your album for free like radiohead, have at it.

moonlightlady339 · 4 months ago

If you are going to make biblical references to make some obscure point, I think it may serve you well to actually have read "The Bible" at one point or another in your life. It was "Moses" who brought the ten commandments down from Mt Sanai, NOT our beloved Jesus, and NOT Mt Zion.

steveballmer · 4 months ago

I did not read this! That's just too much text!