DISQUS

The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs: If you see these kids in an Apple store, please smack them in the head and then call security

  • Moshe · 1 year ago
    Those GPS ankle bracelets we ordered from MI6 do the trick. The fat one just left at 7-11 at 525 Oak Grove Street in Menlo Park. He bought three super-size bags of Fritos, an extra-large Snickers Crunchy, two soft pretzels, some Big League Chew bubble gum, Hostess Sno-balls, a box of Lemonheads, and a Big Gulp 64 oz. We're downloading his online banking profile now. We just sent out an EMP targeting his iPhone- he's scratching his head wondering why his service just dropped in the middle of Menlo Park.

    Will update as needed.

    M.

    PS- Driving these blacked-out surveillance Hummers with the LVMSFT plates are great- what a decoy. We're rolling in LVMSFT5, fyi. Out.
  • Moshe · 1 year ago
    Update, Jobso. We're over in the East Bay- a place called Walnut Creek. At 2pm PT, they stopped in an In and Out Burger in San Ramon, (double-doubles animal style, fries, and shakes.) Then took 680N to Walnut Creek. We're across from the Apple Store, which strategically placed right by the Tiffany store, I see.

    We've set up in a parking garage next to a Crate and Barrel.

    Saw the Boy Band Guy lurking around the front of the Store- no sign of Important Glasses.

    They've been checking out Google Maps on a non-iPhone, and I think they're headed into The City and the Store on Union Square. I've called ahead to alert my team, and we're deployed on the rooftops. Will advise.

    M.

    PS- Just sighted Important Glasses- he must've ducked into the local McDonalds- he's got a pair of Hot Apple Pies and a McFlurry. Where does he PUT all this? Gotta roll.
  • Moshe · 1 year ago
    We're on the move on 24W passing Orinda, headed towards the Bay Bridge. Dispatched a seperate team down to Fremont to guard that secret hanger where all the 3G iPhones are kept. The ones you'll announce on June 9.

    BTW, I ran the plates on their beater Honda and gave the local Chippies a heads-up- turns out our boys have a couple unpaid parking tickets. Who knew?

    PS - your manager in Walnut Creek deserves a bonus- the twerps got turned away. All I could hear thru my earphone static was the word "suck" or something like that.

    Will update once we land in the City- we may need air support for a quick extraction to the safe house.
  • Moshe · 1 year ago
    I'm back, Jobso. Had a little intervention with The Dynamic Duo. Let's just say they've seen the error of their ways. (Tasers will do that for a person, eh?)

    I've got 'em in the back of the van- we're gonna dump 'em in Half Moon Bay and make 'em walk home. We're done here. Ciao.

    M.
  • Mel · 1 year ago
    Install the Mosquito ultrsonic teenage deterrent and when the misfits arrive, turn it on...they won't stay long! The Mosquito emits a high frequency sound audible to people under the age of 19 - works great for filtering out the obnoxious teenies looking for trouble! zoosse.com
  • Partners in Grime · 1 year ago
    Isn't that Ballmer's kid?
  • AnappleaDAY · 1 year ago
    This is perfect. Apple and its fans are truly the biggest terrorists. Leave the kids alone and pick someone your size. Oh, wait a minute. Your Size? What’s your size? 5” and shrinking!
  • Fake Guy Kawasaki · 1 year ago
    I can testify the new crack down rules are in place at Apple Store - Mall of America in Blooming-suck Minnesota. The Genius' are condescending as hell and try as hard as they can to put Apple faithful in their place. It's one thing to play evangelist but if you don't buy all the latest hardware and upgrade every two months to the newest versions of software suites that cancels previous version capabilities to sell more online Apple Store stuff -- it matters little to us your previous cred of spreading the Apple mission and vision to the masses. I grow tired of the claims of "Apple faithful" and loyalists who feel we owe them something. Times have changed. They only thing that matters is they OWE us undivided loyalty without special considerations. This is a business. It's about money. Get over your 80s cultisms.
  • Michael · 1 year ago
    I totally know these guys, they go to my school, and yes they are douchebags
  • Ballmer · 1 year ago
    This story was funny, but not really funny at first. Now that I read it actually happened, its so fricking amazing. Tell them that I think they are losers, okay?
  • Michael Monstrel · 1 year ago
    You go to paly? What year are you in? Last initial?
  • Michael · 1 year ago
    By the way, the link doesn't work... I'd like to see the source for this story too. Where'd you hear about them?
  • tomcoady · 1 year ago
    The link works if you copy / paste it.
  • tomcoady · 1 year ago
    It also works if you give it a source:
    http://www.mercurynews.com/ci_9420523?source=email
    I guess they can't fathom that from their logs.
    While I'm here you can see it on wired too
    http://blog.wired.com/business/2008/05/kids-ban...
    if they don't block FSJ referrals..
  • Moshe · 1 year ago
    "Seems like Apple store employees don't share Jobs' excitement yet."

    Store employees....DON'T SHARE JOB'S EXCITEMENT.

    Huh. Seems like we detained the wrong people, eh Jobso?
  • JJ · 1 year ago
    Oh, if you could please, tell them that the world is laughing at them.
  • iTebogo · 1 year ago
    People are such sheep. The kids should have just kept on walkin'. Grow a spine, America! Stand up to fake authority!
  • Bubulle · 1 year ago
    Those retards only got what they deserve: you're in a Apple Store not a WallMart (even there this comportment shouldn't be allowed), behave yourself!
  • Brinke · 1 year ago
    The story is from The Merc. Money quote: "I'll have to get a friend to buy stuff for me, like a drug deal," Fukuba said." I know this type. See 'em in Walnut Creek all the time, too- they're creeping up to the East Bay from, uh, "Paly."
  • DMB · 1 year ago
    >> FWIW, Borg employees are also classified as enemy combatants
    >> and subject to the same enhanced interrogation techniques.

    I dunno, I am one and I get a 10% discount at the Apple store (not on everything, tho - no iPhone discount). Apple likes wealthy Borg employees, methinks.
  • jayakumar · 1 year ago
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  • reno · 1 year ago
    may I receive a body cavity search?
  • neoviky · 1 year ago
    check out the "Questions" post here:

    http://neoviky.blogspot.com
  • dfs · 1 year ago
    Every now and then I mosey into an Apple Store and check my e-mail while pretending to be very interested in buying the iMac I'm using. Thank God I'm older and look damned dignified, so security pus me me as a legit customer. If I looked like these two losers I bet it would be a very different story, they don't look like they could even kid a 7-11 clerk into selling them a pack of butts. Can't we just put them in uniform, ship them out to Iraq, and hope for the best?
  • James · 1 year ago
    Steve is, as always, being a douchebag. Godamn do you not sleep in the same bed as your wife anymore?

    Don't hate on these guys, I know them, and at the rate they are going, they will probably be designing your 12th generation iPod one day.
  • James · 1 year ago
    I forgot to mention they are geniuses who you don't want defecting to Microsoft.
  • Gizmodo · 1 year ago
    Fuck steve you are getting old..

    "We’re excited about creating a vibrant third-party developer community with potentially thousands of native applications for iPhone and iPod touch," said YOU, back in March.

    As long as the developers aren't in your store? Grow a penis already
  • Cracker Kevin · 1 year ago
    Well I think it's good that these young homosexuals take such an interest in technology; I mean, would you prefer they be hanging out in their special discos in chaps and assless pants?
  • Mike Cane · 1 year ago
    ROTFLMAO!!!! One of the best!!!
  • Don Bach · 1 year ago
    Daniel, this column wasn't funny. You are two hard on the kids. You post their picture, make rude personal comments about them and ridicule them. Most of your commentators have followed your bad example. You are a smart guy, you could have come up with a better story and presented it with some degree of honour. This column is beneath your dignity as a columnist. It's true Bubba. Sorry.
  • topazz · 1 year ago
    I don't know. Being detained sounds like a lot of fun to me. Throw in a spanking and I'm in.
  • Felix · 1 year ago
    So I know these guys, and they really didnt do anything wrong. The Apple store over reacted completely and detained kids that werent even involved. Reading this makes me laugh, but only at how immature your being. Grow up, act your age for once.
  • Goatberg · 1 year ago
    Bunch of Re-Tards.
  • ERIKKK · 1 year ago
    OMG DANNYYYYY
  • Me · 1 year ago
    "All I can say is that by entering the store you are agreeing to allow us to do whatever we want to you."

    Right, I'd like to see you "do whatever you want to somebody" in the store. I'm sure you could get away with just about anything.

    "...it might even make you a bit wary of going into an Apple store..."

    I'm only wary of going into an Apple store because I have to deal with the douchebag employees, who think they are the most knowledgeable, smartest people ever. Newsflash: You're still just a retail worker.

    "...what a frigtard you are. "

    Frigtard? Really? Could you use a lamer word? My point exactly.
  • mike · 1 year ago
    I ♥ vlad, I want to bear his children lawlz

    (vlad=eric)
  • Fake DMVTard · 1 year ago
    50 hours of community service...next.
  • gearedskll · 1 year ago
    They're douche bags, I'll give you that but it's not because they were downloading music and third party software. It's because they're so damn loyal. Don't get me wrong I love my Apple products, but being detained for 2.5 hours warrants a lawsuit being that it's kidnapping and all ( Depending on how long they waited to call the police ). Also "gettting depressed about not being able to go to my favorite store" ...??? WTF!? Get a damn life...

    Also I don't know how things work in hippie land but you don't have to stop for anyone, manager at an apple store, the pope, whatever. If they're not an officer you can tell them to f**k right off. And if they forcibly detain you off their grounds, guess what ?? That's assault! If I feel reasonably threatened I can respond with various kinds of force ( wink ). Then again I've never been talked down to by some piddly retail store manager, maybe I look too damn mean or maybe its because if I go to a store it's for a specific purpose... I buy my shnit and get the fook out.
  • Steve Sleeve · 1 year ago
    Fake Steve, you need a nap.
  • 101 Bandito · 1 year ago
    I swear I thought that was a photo of Sergey and Larry from like their freshman year at Stanford...
  • aaa · 1 year ago
  • aaa · 1 year ago
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  • fred · 1 year ago
    aaa you are a jackass
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