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The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs

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Ballmer: I'm completely out of ideas

Started by fakestevejobs · 7 months ago

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110 comments

  • Matt

    7 months ago

    Why does everyone think Google is just a better search engine. Personally, I think google succeeds for two reasons.

    1. People have muscle memory in their fingers to type g o o g l e . c o m
    2. There are no distractions on the home search page.

    That's it. If somehow microsoft and google changed domain names and initial look, Microsoft would win.
    reply
  • hob

    7 months ago

    Maybe Ballmer hasn't forgotten his idea of driving companies together to beat them.

    The Register is now reporting that Yahoo is asking Google for help !

    This means that Ballmer knows that noone wants Mahoosoft, but if he drives Google and Yahoo together, there will be mass rejoicing for a whilst, followed by mass confusion within their two companies for months whilst they work out the logistics. Meanwhile, he can unleash phase 2! (whatever that might be)
    reply
  • Fake Steve Case

    7 months ago

    Steve Ballmer is the Terry Semel of our age.
    reply
  • Pierpont Morgan

    7 months ago

    and the Pointey-Haired Boss from Dilbert.
    reply
  • JohnMuir

    7 months ago

    All time classic piece in my opinion, FSJ. It's this kind of big vision stuff I come back for. You nailed the image just as sweetly as MS and Y! are about to find they do each other…

    Liked the RDM-style opening too.
    reply
  • JJ

    7 months ago

    Too true. FSJ, you are starting to master Daniel's way of typing.
    reply
  • sentownbrothertojailforcoke

    7 months ago

    When you can't innovate; litigate.
    reply
  • Elite Martian

    7 months ago

    What A Historic Piece of Article,

    Now, lesser mass, knee down and kiss the feet of the Dear Leader
    reply
  • dropout

    7 months ago

    Finally, classic FSJ is back! This is the type of entry that made me love this blog enough to buy the book. Please let there be more of these in the future.
    reply
  • deathbychichi

    7 months ago

    billg's out of ideas, too, else he wouldn't be leaving.
    reply
  • intenselygreen

    7 months ago

    fookin brilliant FSJ, there is no one else even close to you, no one in you class.

    the circus elephants? the Redmond photocopiers? Wow.

    I'm going to go out and buy ANOTHER copy of your book just to show my appreciation.
    reply
  • Simon

    7 months ago

    But FSJ, I think that Microsoft don't intend Yahoo to even remotely remain the same - I doubt that they're not going to try and merge parts of Yahoo - they're going to dismember it.

    I don't think that they want the tech, they just want the audience and the content people - which admittedly, will be hard to merge but not impossible.

    I agree though - when MS decides to buy a company after trying for 10 years to play in that space - and not even worrying about breaking even - it doesn't bode well.
    reply
  • Slartibartfas

    7 months ago

    yet again an instant classic. Brilliant analysis. Thanks FSJ
    reply
  • knut

    7 months ago

    Again with the pro microsoft bias!!!11
    reply
  • dktrfz

    7 months ago

    ... and the first Pulitzer for Blogging goes to...
    reply
  • HikerCA

    7 months ago

    Back on track and loving every word of it FSJ! Spasiba tovarych, Danylo Mykhailovych!
    reply
  • fakestevejobs

    7 months ago

    Nichivo, drug moi.
    reply
  • apple-fan

    7 months ago

    Make the phonecall to Williams, he will buy Apple for more or lesser than one Dollar, sell Apple to him and then make hollydays.
    reply
  • Alexis de Tocqueville

    7 months ago

    Everything you just said about Balmer and MSFT in this post also applies to America during this election. It is the same. Most of the politicians have run out of ideas. The country is in the shitter, but still the richest on the planet.

    Like MSFT; to hell with making great products, let's just sell advertising.

    "If you shake your ass they notice fast..." G. Michael
    reply
  • uhhmerikkka

    7 months ago

    ..If by richest, you mean, most in debt.. then yeah.. I guess.
    reply
  • skorry

    7 months ago

    The analogy with the elephants is hilarious imagery. Microsoft and Yahoo are also-rans because they make all the same mistakes. For example, they charge to POP their "free" email accounts. Google does not and provides IMAP to boot. Otherwise, would gmail really have gained so many users after coming to the race so late? That's just one small example. Anyway, good work, FSJ.
    reply
  • Hawkman

    7 months ago

    I'm sure I saw that elephant thing somewhere...
    reply
  • John M

    7 months ago

    I do agree this is amazing analysis. Written in style, and more or less in character. This is why people like me (non-tech-industry Brit living in Sweden) lap up FSJ: it saves us reading years worth of tech industry history/analysis.
    reply
  • SteelBlades

    7 months ago

    One of your best FSJ.
    reply
  • T.J.

    7 months ago

    This post is nails it. :)
    reply
  • Fake Apple Employee

    7 months ago

    Look, we all know that both Google and Microhoo BOTH have their sights set on the most valuable piece of real estate in the Bay Area - Moffett Field.

    Google to the north, and infiltrating through H211 LLC. Yahoo to the south, held in place by the Lockheed Martin bulwark. But let's not pretend - so far, Microsoft has yet to get south of Shoreline Blvd. and Yahoo is their ticket to ride when it comes to getting their hands on Moffett Field.
    reply
  • MarkJ

    7 months ago

    I see some real genius in your writing FSJ, but I can't say that here. I'd be afraid that everyone would see right through me, and I just don't want anyone to know that I've fallen for you. :)
    Brilliant post, as always.
    reply
  • apple-fan

    7 months ago

    Never heard from Microscrap?!?
    reply
  • Janus

    7 months ago

    I really don't know what I love more...mocking the Borg or the Clintstones.

    <3
    reply
  • oldmock

    7 months ago

    just try to mocking something weird.
    reply
  • dave mcclure

    7 months ago

    fucking brilliant. and hilarious :)

    elephants mating on skateboards... damn my ribs hurt.
    reply
  • Chris

    7 months ago

    It's posts like this that make me hope for another book :)
    reply
  • oldmock

    7 months ago

    LOL. This devilwriter is able to drive a bestseller!
    reply
  • keith

    7 months ago

    the worst part in all of this is that Yahoo!, its employees, and its users get totally screwed since i imagine there will be nothing left of Y! after all this is through.
    reply
  • Woz

    7 months ago

    I don't understand any of this. Who wants to go play Segway polo??

    PS: RE: Sue Decker: I'd hit it.
    reply
  • yellowdoggranny

    7 months ago

    and we don't want him to fail....why?
    reply
  • deathbychichi

    7 months ago

    I think they looked at their market share, saw that despite following their playbook they weren't getting traction, and buying Yahoo was the only way to get into a solid second place. They'll fail, however, for all the reasons FSJ said.
    reply
  • David S.

    7 months ago

    Given the similarity between this and the HP/Compaq fiasco of recent memory Ballmer might like to hire Carly Fiorina to manage the "transition" (and take the bullet when it goes titsup of course).
    reply
  • technocitizen

    7 months ago

    All time classic stuff here
    reply
  • lastangelman

    7 months ago

    Exactly.
    reply
  • technocitizen

    7 months ago

    Google and the borg have started exchanging statements. it smells like war. read more here

    http://tecnocitizen.blogspot.com/
    reply
  • paul_allen

    7 months ago

    I'd be crying right now if I wasn't on the floor giggling my rear end off. I'm not cleaning up this mess.
    reply
  • beanieville

    7 months ago

    Microsoft acquiring yahoo will hurt google, let's face it:

    I've been thinking about the YHOO and MSFT merger and if it goes thru, it can be really bad for GOOG. The only reason microsoft wants to acquire yahoo is an attempt to destroy google. By lowering costs to advertisers and giving a bigger chunk of the ad profits to webmasters, the combined entity can hurt Google. Yahoo by itself cannot afford to do this (nor do they want to mess with google this way) with only 2 billion dollars in the bank. But Microsoft is no stranger to these kinds of tactics, and microsoft is more loaded than google.

    http://beanieville.blogspot.com
    reply
  • DavidDennis

    7 months ago

    Unfortunately, from what I gather, Microsoft won't have much in the bank after this merger.

    If undercutting Google was their strategy, they should do it using their own already existing portal.

    I really doubt that many people in Yahooland want to work for Microsoft. Most technical employees, especially, are likely to be heading out the exits, and it would surprise me if Google doesn't have the welcome mat out for them.

    I don't think this merger is going to have much negative impact on Google; indeed, it might be good for them.

    In the short run, it will virtually halt all development at Yahoo and that's probably going to cause people to switch to the Google's product, which will be updated more and have snazzier features.

    In the long term, I know Microsoft is not going to let Google continue using Unix; it's too much of a blow for them. So everything will either be thrown away or rewritten under Windows, something few self-respecting Yahoo engineers will want to do.

    If I were Ballmer, I'd think of this US$45 billion as a huge waste of money. What I hate is that it will almost certainly destroy Yahoo, and I shed a tear for an Internet pioneer that deserves better.

    D
    reply
  • beanieville

    7 months ago

    Do you guys underestimate the significance of this merger!! Don't you!

    Why do you suppose google is calling msft violating anti-trust laws.
    reply
  • TennesseeTuxedo

    7 months ago

    "They'll talk a lot about synergy. You know, like when you hook together a bunch of data centers that run on completely different technology stacks."

    *gasp* - Thank you, FSJ. My brain is suddenly free of marketeer mindfuck drivel.

    This is a Greatest Hit.
    reply
  • minimalist

    7 months ago

    Quality post, mate.
    reply
  • sentownbrothertojailforcoke

    7 months ago

    Apple


    The most vicious thing in the world is a toothless tiger trying to hold on to its' old territory.

    This makes me think it is over for the whole generation: MSFT, APPL, INTC, AMD, DELL join the likes of Novell, Ashton Tate, WordPerfect, Lotus (yes that IBM Lotus). Software is ephemeral; hardware is obsolete in 18 months.

    So too, shall ye pass, ye temporary and undefeated market leaders.

    It's only a perfect season if you win the Super Bowl.

    I pray for the kids in American garages. They are are last hope before India and China make Apple and Microsoft completely irrelevant. Watch how the EePC has taken off around the world for a clue as to what comes next. Quanta and ASUS don’t need masters anymore than the old colonies need the British these days…
    reply
  • david

    7 months ago

    So I swapped MSFT with AAPL in your link and just thought: I'm so glad I own Apple stock.
    reply
  • thejester

    7 months ago

    It's been a while since I've enjoyed a post as much as this one. My thirst is yet again quenched! Jesterpaul
    reply
  • Pierpont Morgan

    7 months ago

    Maybe Yahoo and Microsoft can make a Bob Browser.
    reply
  • playitcool

    7 months ago

    Mac buys Adobe, Microsoft buys MacAffee, and eventually, in the year 2096, Microsoft acquires Mac through corporate espionate, bribery, and lack of popular support for Mac OS.

    It's the year 6221, the universe's computer systems, including interstellar navigation, goes into a frenzy because Mac-dobe-Affee-Microsoft-ahoo! Corporation says 128-bit only counts so many seconds from Jan 1, 1970.
    reply
  • zahadum

    4 months ago

    word for the day: "FACTARD"

    1) newsflash @ playitcool: "jane, you ignorant slut!" as they used to say on SNL 1.0 ... if your grade school math skills are any indicator, then you wont worry about graduating from harvard - you couldnt even get in to harvard!

    any future 128bit O/S will not "run out" of time (pace Y2K) because 128bits of seconds is (16 million trillion times) longer than the physical existence of the universe itself!

    the year 6221 is only ~100B seconds from now (4K years x 24Msecs/Y), which barely exceeds the capacity of 32bit address space (2^32 vs 2^36) .... in fact 64bits will be entirely adequate for keeping time (at 1000B years) even if this spawn-of-satan super O/S will measure the 'wall clock' in milliseconds (however, for scientific calculations that can't use the 'wall clock', the 80bit double-precision that is already available in this millennium does the job).

    2) playitcool's counting problems seem to extend beyond the calendar: basic marketshare data also seems to elude him ...

    At current run-rate growth, the mac's (us retail) marketshare for consumers is already heading towards 20% and its business presence is pointing towards 10% over the next couple of years.

    I apologize for a nit-picky post - i realize this reality-based approach violates the whole ethos of FSJ's blog! ...

    but what are we supposed to do with 'FACTARDS' like playitcool?! ... just let them go on living in their delusional bubble? ... dont we have an obligation to help them from hurting themselves (or worse, innocent by-standers) with sharp pointy things like facts?!
    reply
  • playitcool

    4 months ago

    Word for the day for you my friend: Correctard.

    Dude, relax and let the enema do its job.
    reply
  • Catfish

    7 months ago

    I just blogged about this today. Without further innovation and less focus on bottom line accounting, MSN / Yahoo (Mahoo) will never catch Google..
    reply
  • bratling

    7 months ago

    Fake Steveie is back and bigger and badder than ever! This is why I read this blog, Steve. Not that photo caption and Ellison crap. (Well, okay, maybe a little of that Ellison crap.)
    reply
  • faddah

    7 months ago

    can you say, aol-time-warner?" you know, that big ass merger that was s'posed to challenge microsquish dominance and help netscape come back and win the browser wars? we all see how well that worked out, eh? they're now talking about spinning off aol as its own business, and aol was the purchaser in the original merger. tall about taking it in the shorts. thus deal, if it does go through? expect it to go much the same way.

    sheeeeeeeee-zus. it's like no one even remembers fairly recent history, even, anymore. I guess you're right fsj - no one reads anymore. except maybe rv guide, on-line. the more things change, the more the stay the same, an' all that ...
    reply
  • J.R. "Bob" Dobbs

    7 months ago

    Ballmer looks (and behaves) exactly like the MONSTER from Mel Brooks' "Young Frankenstein".
    reply
  • Bharath K

    7 months ago

    Great one FSJ. This is just the sort of article that compels me to read your blog daily. Keep it up!
    reply
  • upshaw

    7 months ago

    You are an anti-semite (ballmer is a jew).
    reply
  • glinko

    7 months ago

    I am an ex-msft-ee from the earlier days. You are right pretty much all the way around. However, the main issue is not that Microsoft engineers CAN'T make a great search engine or advertising platform. It's that the corporate culture at Microsoft is Jurassic Park-like; a tech park gone wild, so that good ideas are lost in bloody battles among clans, and it's "every man for himself." Despite what wall street thinks, Yahoo! is creating good stuff and getting it out there on a regular basis. It's News and Finance sites are #1 on the entire Internet. And that's with bad management. Imagine what it could do with good management. Microsoft will kill Yahoo! like Time Warner did to AOL. Ballmer only wants the advertising platform, the rest can be tossed aside because, well, they already have msn.com (yikes!). Oddly enough, I'm a MSFT and YHOO shareholder and I'm rooting for Yahoo! Earth to Yang: Don't assimilate!!!
    reply
  • Mark Sigal

    7 months ago

    This deal is the icing on the cake moment when the "market maker" baton is irrevocably passed from Microsoft to Google.

    While the Microsoft economy remains huge, and will do so far into the future (as was the case with IBM before it), there can be little doubt that Microsoft is now chasing the tail of the big dog.

    Some quickie analysis in 'The Market Maker & The Information Economy: http://thenetworkgarden.com/weblog/2008/02/the-...
    reply
  • common sense

    7 months ago

    developers, developers, developers!
    reply
  • theoxygenthief

    7 months ago

    Nice Touch linking to Yahoo finance info :-)
    reply
  • joby866

    7 months ago

    Lmao! Who's asking who for help?
    reply
  • pope

    7 months ago

    superboring LSD buddhism driven shit:
    "I love beautiful objects. I love creating them. Negative people upset me. " go and get a flat with steve seagal and sting
    reply
  • Partners in Grime

    4 months ago

    Looks like you're right again, Fake Steve.
    reply
  • lastangelman

    4 months ago

    There's one reason, and one reason only why Microsoft should buy Facebook - Sheryl "Fangs-a-lot" Sandberg. Or hire her away from Facebook as Steve Ballmer's replacement.
    reply
  • girish

    2 months ago

    wow!
    reply
  • woz

    7 months ago

    Wow.

    An amazingly accurate analysis.

    I'm wondering if the RSJ wrote this one - it's truly *that* good.
    reply
  • TomMassey

    7 months ago

    Agreed, amazing analysis.

    I also have to say FSJ use of metaphors and analogies also truly amazing. It is what makes this Blog enjoyable to read. I have this vision looping in my brain of trying to keep two mating elephants on a skateboard. This is how to make the craft of analysis come alive and be read -- dare I say enjoyed.
    reply
  • Guru Panguji

    7 months ago

    Not to sound demeaning, however, this particular blog post really sounded like one from Scott Adams!!
    reply