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- The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Operation Chokehold
- The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : Is Operation Chokehold illegal? Or just stupid? Should we do something else?
- The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : A not-so-brief chat with Randall Stephenson of AT&T
- The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : How soon until O.C. begins? Where is everyone?
- The Secret Diary of Steve Jobs : AT&T: Chokehold is “irresponsible and pointless”
Will require payment up front this time due to the number of people required to secure the package.
Plus, we had to order new nightscopes. Do you want a clean job, or do you need to send a message? Call me. STAT. We're spooled up, and someone's gonna be Alpha Mike Foxtrot.
M
Have the Suburbans ready, OK? The ones with armor-plating.
Meet you for the interrogation @ the safe house.
M
Not that I have personal knowledge of such affairs.
Let her wake up in a cell with mirrors on all sides and discover that she's been made over to look exactly like one Steven P. Jobs. Pipe in nothing but Macworld keynotes until she falls in love with her new self. When her hair finally grows back, give her the Kool-Aid, then release her and pretend nothing happened. It was all a bad dream.
Next board meeting, she's noticing what a brilliant mind you have, and she's plugging that goddamn ethernet dongle into her MacBook Air. Then she's plugging that into the USB hub she has to carry around because the Air only has one USB port for chrissake! She's one of you now.
Dragon Lady tried that slap crap on ME, and she wasn't aware I know ninjutsu. Tactical error on HER part.
We had a, ah, spirited session- er, discussion with the subject in question.
Now she loves you so much she wants to have your kid. Who knew? We're dumping her -ah dropping her off- at her house now.
Then we're headin' off to that Walmart, the one with the Zune display. Is this a 24-hour store or do we need to do a crash & dash?
M.
She's got this dominatrix side to her, and by the time she is done with you, you'll be swinging... and I don't mean for the other team. But it's early in the game, and it'll come in stages, you'll get your slap soon enough, and forget about the counter punch, she's got like five black belts in beating up people. You and the rest of the board could try to pile on her and she'll kick your collective asses from Cupertino to Shenzhen, and put on make up while doing it.
And while you're talking to Al, ask him what happened to his left nut after Andrea got done with it, and all he said was "hubba hubba, are you related to Lucy Liu?"
- Barry
Heh, it's amazing what the Avon lady can do, Al can't stand the sight of ping pong these days. Wanna take a guess why?
You probably need it, you evil terrorist, I just can't wait until you start shouting "death to America" in your rallies... hey, by the way, how is the universal health care coming along... getting the indies, elephants and donkeys to work together yet?
How's your mandated health care coming along? If a person cannot afford health care now, how are they going to afford it under your plan? Oh, that's right, they won't, you'll just fine them for not being covered. But if they can't afford health care to begin with, how do you expect them to afford your fines? Yeah, that's really looking out for the American people. You seem to have the health care providers' best interests in mind there, Billary.
- Barry
here
- Barry
At least I have a plan, not a fantasy. We can debate the merits of my plan, we don't even see your plan.
Obamacans... is that like an Elephant mating with Osama? That's frigging disgusting. How are you gonna get your 72 virgins with that type of act.
I see forgiveness is beyond you, threw people off the bus... bah. At least I let them eat cake... Just watch how the country accept my plan when I tear up just a little...
And the country is a bit too conservative these days, so you can't just say the Republicans have no chance in winning. Our party needs everybody it can get, even if they are voting for me. I rock!
I urge you to stop them by picking me as the nominee for the Democrat Party. Otherwise, the 8 years of the Chimp will seem like a picnic compared to the dark age that Osama is promising.
I'll see you Thursday. I hear CNN is partnering with the UFC on this one. Should be a good one. People of America, you're going to want to watch. She'll be down on her knees in front of me in no time.
- Barry
sheesh.
Well, that was easy. America, see Osama the pervert, the religious zealot, the terrorist, and the hypocrit. All rolled into one. Vote for him and you can kiss your future goodbye.
So, in typical "Jobso" fashion, that staff member has been removed from the campaign. When I was alerted to this mistake, I just threw him off the bus. We did slow down while we kicked him off, and I could tell he had a soft landing, so no worries.
- Barry
Though I really wish there would have been some comment about the stupid glasses from Jung. That seemed to really set El Jobso off with Hillary.
Where was the Zen superiority, FSJ?
"Hence, the black turtleneck..."
Such good stuff....
Yeah, this won't end well. I'll be able to buy Mac's with a pink ribbon design that lights up (instead of the apple logo) out of a catalog, right next to the bug spray. And they'll be round or something, come with a leather case, probably pink, or polka dots, just hiddeous.
I know Al's your buddy, but why listen to him on these things? He didn't exactly do that well with decisions he's made. 2000 ring a bell? Where did that get him? Running his family restaurant. One minute he's one man removed from pressing the button, the next he's pressing the buttons on the register. And now he's all green and great and his popularity is soaring. But that's regarding the enviroment, not business.
I'm giving this one a top 3;
First one the Hillary meeting where she made fun of your glasses.
Second places comes in with Breakfast with Fester (one of my all time favorites);
I rate this post at third place, but could well go over to #2 or even top if you follow it up smartly.
Awsome writting FS; simply awsome!
I know where this is going.
Don't sleep alone!
It'll get even worse!
Hello Kitty MacBooks!!!
I have to say that is some excellent reasoning and also among my favorites.
Call the meeting, but when she enters the room she is greeted by your pal Larry Ellison seated atop a pallet-load of Viagra...
She'll be at your beck & call in no time...
http://www.joyoftech.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/...
Or breathe the same air.
Keep the windows open if you're ever in the same room with him.
(And if he gets close to one, a good push would be a service to mankind!)
You know, if you ask me, I think our Fake Steve Jobs is secretly in love.He quivers in anticipation to receive discipline from Andrea and it confuses the hell out of him.
Sounds like we got a sequel to Option$ in the making, folks.
To Fake Roy, all I can say is: drink some green tea or something and try to relax!!!
Dim those highlights! Lose that Shine! Gals can be good for somethings!
PS: I personally like the glossy screens--Its the coating baby!
Being a veggie, I am of both sexes, and totally at peace with either.
(I'm my own best date!)
-jcr
Don't blame ME for her 'tude. I COULD HAVE rec'd Hillary for your board. THEN what would you have?
Lord, what a complainer you are. But I love ya.
I've laughed my ass off. And look!
There it is rolling around on the floor QQ.
Great stuff.
Seriously, something needs to be done.
But they don't mean it!
I know we are just getting to know each other. But, I could spot you a phone number for anyone on the set of Boston Legal if you could get me this ravishing woman's phone number.
You said something about responsibility to stockholders -- and I'm with you about "eyes glazing over." However, I could use a little of this trouble in my life. I've been naughty and this is the lady to set me straight.
Straight up.
Woof!
hey, you think hillary planted her on you, just to get back at you and make life miserable? i mean, al says he's scared of the clintstones and her, but it'd be just like that tennessee hillbilly-tard to do them one last favor to keep his name in the political light. have moshe check her office and cell phone records — i wouldn't be surprised if she's got a direct line to the hillary campaign headquarters.
what to do in the meantime? well, it's simple, really. rally all the management team and board still on your side. every time dragon lady walks the halls of one infinite loop, you wait until she passes, then you say in one of those really loud, bad hollywood asian movie accents: "hey bay-bee! you got vietnamese girlfriend yet? me so hor-ny! me love you long time! you got cee-gar-ette? you got nylons? you got de LIP-STICK? oooooo, me love de LIP-STICK! me so hor-ny! me love you long time!"
yeah, a few rounds of that should take care of her.
here's andrea, in some of her best work.
This post is a lame attempt at hiding your own misogyny.
So, a strong woman scratches her balls eh?
Now I can understand the source of all your anti-Hillary rant.
All you want is your daddy Obama to beat the woman who reminds you of your own mommy.
"If I had two, I'd be King!"
I knew it was a bad idea to have her lead the deal with China Mobile. I won't say I told you so, BUT...
How could she do this to us? This was THE reason why we got her in here in the first place, right?
You'll never believe what happened at the now probably ONLY meeting we'll ever have with those guys: Yup, she face-slapped the China Mobile CEO right off the bat. I dunno what the deal was, do I look like I speak friggin Mandarin?
We'll never get another shot at this again. And now we're locked out of the sale of about two billion iPhones. How is our stock ever going to rebound now? Aren't there any other Chinese-American, Mandarin speaking, female, Fortune-500 execs out there we can trade her in for and get on the board here and reel that chip-on-the-shoulder wireless operator in? /petey
http://fakemikel.blogspot.com/
Now you know who I am. I am the man behind BlackBerry. My name is Mike Lazaridis. Wonder about the last name? It is greek.
Maybe a little late-night debauchery is in the cards...
VIVA NEPAL!!!
p.s. — i'm back now. took some time off. look busy!!
And here, is that a quote from you, or from somebody pretending to be you? still funny, and rather creepy at the same time.
"I'm going to sue Burck. I walk around in my underwear all of the time -- he is ripping me off!" -- woz
When I read that, I LOLed, I never expected to see "woz" after that, and thought of you, and hitting everyone, etc...
Oh, to prove my point about Burck, see my video here - http://www.neulio.com/courses/a70bb3805e703e6bd... - proof of my claim can be seen under "Using The Equipment Properly."
Way to miss the satire...
Besides, it is just as wrong (and a symptom of underlying misogyny) to feel a need to pull punches with powerful women. Given FSJ's attacks on Squirrel Boy, Beastmaster, MyLittlePony, etc, he does not save his attacks only for women. Besides, since you bring up Clinton and Obama (and why do you use Hillary's first name and Obama's last name?) shouldn't it be possible to dislike Clinton without disliking all women? Maybe FSJ and many others ARE judging candidates on merit and not on gender and/or skin colour.
So maybe your comments are a satire of gender issue political correctness and maybe this blog is a satire of gender politics and maybe my post is a satire of overly sensitive responses to people who need to demonstrate how sensitive they are... but can't we all just get along? Can't we here in this blog audience all agree that we are intelligent, compassionate, sensitive individuals and just have some fun? I'll try to lighten up if you will... bokay?
Real Steve may be worthy of humor, but when it steps into hateful like qualities, it has crossed the line. I doubt many woman have respect for the column no matter how funny it may appear to be. The articles love to show compromising women in the name of parody, when it is in fact their compromised position that titillates the boyish, immature Silicon Valley boys who frequent this column.
Sometimes a cigar is a cigar.
Nice hole in your head. Does it hurt you when the wind blows?
that blow me away from my office desk - with a mad giggle at least for 30 min. And as for the US-typical demands such as from Fake Roy for more pc: Get a Life!